THE IDES OF MARCH! The CBC Fact-Line®

  WARNING!  NUTRITION ADVISORY.

 Typically on this most ominous of days - the Ides of March - the CBC is reporting that Halal meat, particularly chicken, is now surreptitiously being sold in unmarked packages in Quebec supermarkets such as "Metro" and "IGA"! 

 Rumors are circulating (with the help of CBC Radio Montreal) that this tainted chicken, when eaten by an unsuspecting Christian man, may cause him to grow a beard (i.e stop shaving), and, if a Christian woman consumes too much (read: any!) of this chicken, she will start donning a headscarf, such as those that the pious Catholic ladies in Quebec used to wear a half century or so ago.
Details? See this shocking report.    And beware.

It is as yet uncertain what sort of effect this Halal meat may have upon a person of the "Hebraic persuasion", but one can only shudder at the implications.

Will this revered dining 
establishment be next?

   If you, or any member of your family, are developing peculiar urges to bow down several times a day while facing East, it is advised you stop eating this chicken IMMEDIATELY!
   Any remaining chicken in your refrigerator whether cooked or raw, should be returned to your supermarket for a refund. Store clerks have been instructed to deal with you pleasantly.

    Alternately, you might be able to call in a Catholic priest to have your chicken exorcised. This should reverse the ill effects of any "blessing" or "sacrament" given by a zealous imam.^**

Good Christian chickens!

 Catholic priests are on standby now!  Call 1-666-BAD-HALAL (1-666-223-4252) to have this hallowed ancient rite performed on your meat, or for safety's sake, the whole refrigerator. (Note: exorcism for extra-hot BBQed drumsticks and wings done at a slight extra charge) 

More details (breathless) will follow shortly from the CBC Fact Line.   Stay tuned.
And Happy Ides of March.

^** “Halal is a certification process consisted of having an iman recite a prayer in the chicken rendering plant and does not affect the slaughtering methods at all”  ....  Yeah...Right!